Aki Kisetsu

Today when mum back from x-ray , with tired look mum was very upset.. then she told me dad hit her again because of the bitch (dad’s mistress). I plan to talk to dad but mum said dont because he might hit me again. Watching mum cry made me felt like my heart been slice over and over again. I really want to know how can i deal with this situation? Pls somebody tell me. If ask me to stay aside and watch while adult settle is hard because dad will never want to settle. He will just be scolding, hitting us and find fault on us and use that as reasons.. next moment he will just deny he made such sinful actions. He said he hit us because he love us. I really cant stand~ Asked him to leave us alone but he doesnt want to do it and yet he said he is greedy to have both side. WHAT SHOULD I DO????!!!!!

That’s the reason why the jerk hit me since the last post! (title: “I Hate You”)

This ‘bitch’ is not the 1st but the 2nd one already.. how many more he want to have just to make us suffer more??? He is already 73 yrs old and yet he is still so pervert! GOD~~~~~~ Why cant u do something about it?

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My thoughts, frens responces & etc. You judge it~

do u really hate him dat much?

yes.. right on the day he put his fist on me

if he didnt over act that day i wont have hate him so much

no matter wat wrongs etc…… he may have done. he is still ur dad

i dont have this kind of dad

if he had regret earlier then i would have consider to forgive him but until now he still think he is always right

i just dont get it
he ever said that if a man hit his own wife and children then that man is not a human.. my dad said it himself to us and now he did it him self
he did that inhuman act.. so what u gonna say about it

if he just scold.. it is still ok but this is including actions.. dont you think you will feel hurt when even if u are 3rd bystander watch will felt hurt
whatever he said all this while are all totally lies!
none right… this i checked and realised already

even now whenever i give some allowances to my mum. he will show unsatisfy faces so i had to give him some too.. then he will spent all my mum’s allowance and kept his secretly and then pass them all to his mistress
so.. what you gonna say about it

i have no idea how this mistress came into the picture & when

ur dad falls into this saying now. he is blur. don noe & not aware

how that mistress interrupt in i not clear the exact day or date but my dad knews that’s why he had been hidding this fact all this while until his weird actions shows that my mum suspicious on him

that’s when things start to reveal little by little

if he is not aware then when many ppl trying to talk to him on this.. he end up saying that they all are trying to make chaos on him
and he claimed that only that bitch family are good to him and others all just nonsence

include us my family
how can he said that

u mean he has a family with her?

yes

its like he had 2 families
when my mum ask him to pick 1 he scolded my mum and said he will not let go neither 1

my dad wont have reveal about his mistress if it is not my mum suspect him. My dad will never had told us the truth if it is not my mum suspect him… how could he hide this fact

is ur dad a good , loving & responsible dad before this mistress thing came into the picture?

yes .. he is totally good loving dad

i lost my hope on him the second he put his fist on me

i just cant stand his attitude

never apologized even if he did mistakes

why cant he just apologized

On sunday, 9.12.2007 - Early in the morning I realised that nobody were at home but only me and my disobedient little bro at home.

At noon, I do not know what got into me when my little bro kept pastering me to go to museum I end up driving there with my little bro eventhough I am tired after working everyday. I was supposed to go and buy some groceries but I didnt. xD

The most crazy thing I did was that I join in with my little bro to explore the kids ‘Dino Trek Expo’ in the museum. I even play the childish kids dino game. Unfortunately I was not able to ride the kiddy game bicycle. Hahaha~ It looks fun riding the dino bicycle & race with another one. It was converted into a game called predator dino. Anyway, I prefer the view on the robotic dino(s) because 1 of them look so real with the sound effect and movements.  I spend about few hours just in that small little dino expo space. It was crowded.

Then, I take a walk at the aquarium museum watching fishes swam around. Finally, I drove off and end up at a fish shop and bought another 3 fishes for my big aquarium. Tee hee hee~ AND not forget to buy myself a choco milk tea + pearl ^_^ one of my fav.

Hehehe. I really wonder what got into me? Hmm…

To my fellow friends,

Some might have different thoughts and some might have
sympathy. No matterwhat I am grateful for all your
concern. So many things I need to reconsider currently.

Some said that I made them worried sick, here I would like to

apologized for making you worried. For your understanding, I’m also

had lots to worried about since such things happened. I cant control your thoughts but I am really thankful for your care. I need lots of time to face & deal with all this facts to survive & be stronger than before. So, either any of you want to understand or not .. I have no control over it. I just hope that any of you could realised & understand me by thinking "of standing in my ’shoe’ / my position as if this happened to u". Its easy to be said than done!

After years of patience against such violence, nobody knew
except those who got bitten up by him…

I dont feel like talking any thing relating to him or
whatever anymore if possible. Not trying to escape because this is not possible.

I am trying hard to face and deal with this
circumstances right now with the help of time passed by.

So I would like to thank those who kept quiet and
became my good listeners and given me courage.

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As for those who scolded me as coward instead of
understand me! Listen here.

1. u nagged that I shouldn’t post "hell expression" here.
Answer:
I have the right to post whatever I felt right
and truth so u have no right to scold me regarding this!
I have my freedom of speech here. If u insist that I
shouldnt write in here then does that mean U want to hear
the news of my death then u are happy? I am just writing
news regarding of my present status and for me this place is like my own personal world. Its so called my 2nd world. If I was abused in my real world and some more I am restrained from entering into my 2nd world, then where can I go? Why would you be so ‘mean’ to restrain someone from living in their own world?

2. U nagged that I am a coward.
Answer:
If I am a coward then I wont have defended myself nor
my mother when he hit us. If I am a coward I wont have
struggle with my feeling to post my situation here. If I am a coward I
wont have did what I had done right now. Please think
and understand other’s position before you talk.

3. U blamed me that I cause your wife cant sleep? And claimed that u two are worrying about me.
Answer:
For god sake!!! When did I even talk or disturb your wife?
I never talked to her! Who is your wife? Since when u get married I dont even know.
Even if u have a wife and she cares why dont she directly talk to me
instead of worrying sick until I got blame for nothing. I cant control ur wife’s feeling!
Am I to be blame if I dont even know that u or your wife read my blog and worry about me?
I cant control both of your thoughts nor actions because
all of us are human being. I never receive any messeges or anything
from your wife so please dont simply blame me. Please think before u talk.
Dont you think I had enough worries to worry about here?
Dont u know that I even considered others feeling thats
why I never tell anyone? except posting in here
because I knew that only 2 or 3 people going to pay
attention on this. I still have my moral that
I wont disturb anyone because no matter what… I am the 1
who need to deal with this harsh facts not others. And yet now, U
come and blamed me for everything.
Fine!!! I understand know. No matter how hard I try and struggle to make everyone less worried about me instead of my own emotions BUT end up I got blamed for all your worries. Does that mean I dont have any freedom of speech in here? If I cant write what I can type then what is the meaning of the blog function for?

4. U scolded me of being selfish.

Does that also means that I cant give myself some time to think rationally or some time to calm my feeling? But instead I need to worry more about your feeling of worries towards me? If so, then who is the victim that got bitten up? You or me? I know you are worried sick regarding this but come on! Try to stand in ‘my shoe’ then u know how difficult circumstances I am in now compare to worrying your ‘worries feeling’ on me. If I am selfish I wont have think of anything else but just suicide. I didnt suicide because I give a long thought regarding the consequences. I thought of what would happened to my mum or my little brother and my friends. I felt difficult to digest the fact that I cant die yet at that instant and I tried hard to persuade myself not to do so just for the sake of those who worried about me. Now, it turn out that I was blamed for making you worried. If I knew this I would have abandoned all the thoughts regarding your feeling if I suicide. Damn it!

5. You said you will not call or text me if it is not because of your wife begging u. U said I am immature?

First, I am trully thanks to your wife’s concerns on my circumstances. I appreciate what she worries about but by the way of you saying such.. had made your wife’s sincerity turns negative. If she called me up personally things might turn different. If because of ur wife begging u AND u been forced to call or text me then I will be more reluctant to accept them. Why should I accept concerns which are created by force!

If I am immature then u already have received my funeral invitation! Everyone does act immature when they face some / certain difficulties but if accusing somebody immature just because he or she didnt respond to u immediately then I think u are more immature than I do.

6. U said u agreed with my dad that I am an useless daughter.

Whatever my family wants I will always try my best to satisfy and fulfil them but this is what I was titled as after all I did for my family instead of worrying more on my own life. I devoted my life time span on my family.

I cant stopped u from thinking anything u want. But u added that I am brainless therefore I am an useless daughter. So.. now I know what you thought about me in your mind all this while. If I am pissed off I will reply you this: "Yes I’m am brainless so what.. " on the other hand, since I careless already, if u think so then go ahead. If anything happened then I hope u are HAPPY with what u said!

7. U said sorry after all the hurtful words u nagged & said to me.

Frankly speaking, I dont know what to do right now nor do I know how to respond to u. While dealing with my own harsh matters which wounded my heart ..plus ur words slices my heart more. I totally sank into the bottom. Which is right & which is wrong ..for me I barely careless. For all the things I done, I thought I did at least okay to survive but after read what u said… I really lost myself once more. If u were me and u received such words.. I am sure those words some how affects u as well. So, dont u understand now that what u did?

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I am not arguing with u but instead I am trying to make u understand how hurtful I am now not only cause by the facts I faced now but also ur words. I love friendship to be lasting but I hope u dont break our friendship just because of ur impatient.

Am I right? Did I said anything wrong? Reply me. Correct me if I am wrong.

- People with willing hearts to learn and change are those who gained in the end -

People said that mum and dad love their children and children for them are priority and treasure.
From tonight onwards, my heart changes totally. No doubts nor hestitated to hate him.

Its all lies regarding his love for me. Its all oshiri!!!

I hate him… I hate him as long as I live.

U mean..Who? My father! U asked why? Let me tell you why!

At night 24.11.2007 at 9.28 till 9.30, my dad with his anger hit me and my mum. He clearly claimed that he will get a stick and hit my mum to death.
I stopped him and told him that no matter how angry he is, he shouldnt do such thing and then he scolded me bitch and verbally accussed that I am acting
as an disloyal child. I was pissed because I am worried he really going to push my mum down the staircase. (Because my mum and I were at the top of the
staircase & before this there are occasionally that my dad hit my mum) Each time I always wanted to called the police but my mum stopped me. I felt so
speechless that I forcely swallowed all this. Until today, I cant stand it.

When he accused me that was the time when he hit me and push me to the floor and continue hit me. I saw my mum stopped him but he kept trying to hit me so
I kick him away but then he nearly pushed my mum down the staircase so I fight back but I never hit him since I know once I hit him there is no turning
back but then he never resist his punch and he continue attacked me while my mum grabbed him away. At the end, after my mum able to hold him away then my
mum asked me to leave the place. So I went down stairs and stay in my room. That was the time when I realised bruises on me especially on my knees and face.
When I was applying medicine on my bruises, my mum came in and told me to go to my dad and apologized. I was stunt but in order not to cause more pain for
my mum, I force myself to meet my dad and apologized. I knew for a long time that my dad doesnt like me but I stay on to be a good loyal daughter but from today on
I wont force myself to do such thing anymore. I will not apologized to him.

When I apologized to my dad, he scolded me again and didnt forgive me. I knew it as well so I just left him there because at the 1st place there is not my
fault nor my mum’s fault but it was all dad’s fault. His egoish bad temper cause all this. He mixed his working & home pressure and blasted all his tempers
at home. I felt so upset that I cant stand all this. Why a peaceful and normal home like this is still not satisfying for him? Why he complaints so much and
even have the guts to hit his women and children? He takes things for granted!

I thought if a guy or man hit his own women or children then his is not a human!?! So this means that my dad is not a human but a beast! Worse than a beast!
I pray that God will punish him alone for all his sins! Let him know that as a human he learnt everything til he die. Not learning and claiming that
he had learnt & gained everything when he is old!

Tonight, after the fight I knew I am trembling in terror and scared that he will rush in and hit me again but I kept telling myself that if anything
happened to me or my mum or my little brother then it is my father who did it. Because he had warned my mum and I that he will and he dares to kill us.
Loving my dad no matter how bad or evil he is is my principle but making him realised what he had done hoping he will regret and change also is a way of
showing my love for him as a daughter. I hope he understand this one day. Therefore, if my mum or I was killed directly or indirectly by him I hope this
can be an evidence to punish him forever.

I really felt so hurt in me because I never expected that I will have such dad. Dad, I hate you that I hope if my death can change and make u regret forever
then I will die! With my tears flowing down my cheeks right now, I pray to God that no matter what please give me and my mum the strength to go on
to find the happiness.

I am not scared to reveal this because in fact this is the truth!

Amen.

Today, this few days I live my life by burning my patience. Everything still be able to get through with the help of time passing by ASAP.

Tonight, right now I felt like doing several things but none can pass with good news.

First, I got an invitation for interview from KL firm but then since I am bound by the firm here I had to sacrifice the chance to quit the firm here. I know I will regret but I really cant find a better way so in the end I sent a decline reply to the firm (just a few second b4 I wrote this blog). I know I am sound like a stupid girl. *sigh*

Second, I saw 3 person which their birthday’s gonna come very soon. I really wanna wish them happy birthday but those words just stucked on my throat. If you know what I meant. I really want to wish the best for them but I cant express it out. I really felt like I am totally a ‘non-exist substance’ in this world. Weird, huh!

Third, I suppose its not my luck since I kept trying to post/send a msg to a blog created by one of person whose birthday gonna come soon but then I just cant post because of an unknown error page. I login several times but still cant.

Besides that, I felt tired and more exhausted day by day. Felt so aimless eventhough I made myself extremely busy until each time when I sat down … straight away I fallen to sleep. Hahaha… horrible dont I?

Soon I might not even be able to online anymore. I cant say when nor can I say any other reasons. If it is destine to be such way then I have nothing to say. I know I look or I sound pessimistic compare to my optimistic attitude back then. I apologize about that.. cant help it cause too many things happened which somehow changes me. I will try to maintain the ‘me’ as long as I could. If I lost myself one day I hope somebody out there who still remember me could remind me.

Since I cant send msg to anyone, I hope at least I can pass the msg I gonna write below to the person who I realised that had view & gave me a lovely msg.

"Miraz-kun" thank you so much for sending me a msg regarding your wish on my birthday. Hope you still remember. If you dont its alright I dont mind because when I realised that you left a msg it really made me happy because it has been a long time since we last heard from each other. I really appreciate what you have done for me. Perhaps the msg for your opinion or written for other people is common but for me its a lovely one because I realised there are somebody out there concerned about me.

Anyway, I think I gotta go because my eyes arent gonna stay awake any longer. Good night. Oyasumi.

*sigh* What a disaster tonight! I totally cant sleep at all eventhough I need & must go to work tomorrow. Both workplace and home turn into dangerous war zone.

No matter where I turn to there are just battles and fighting. How am I suppose to live in peaceful atmosphere?

Today … now … tonight … parents got into a big big big big big fight. As a daughter at home after work, I cant involve in because I know if more involve then cause more trouble. So I kept quiet but then by doing so gives me more pressure since they kept making the circumstances more tense. Eventhough I act normal however, such circumstances has affected me somehow.  I can see that others around me been affected as well. They all starts to turn moody and grumpy as well.

Why cant I have peace at all? Is it that hard to just be peaceful? Why people just like to find troubles when they can actually live peacefully?

I can feel that tomorrow there will be another battle war in workplace even without inviting it because that’s what an unreasonable bosses attitudes were like everyday. What society so-call them as professional bodies. That’s bullxxxx~

RIDICULOUS!!! What a disaster~

Monday are always stressful days for many people out there I guess. But everyday I try to makesure I dont get carried away with moody atmosphere around me. However, it just going the other way round.

Patience always reached the limits whenever I faced the unreasonble bosses I had which I am currently working with. For example this morning, I was working with a fresh mood but then as I was suddenly asked to do an urgent letter to clients dictated by my boss… I was blame for been brainless. I was shocked after been blame so and I started to think deep as to what I did wrong? But the more I thought the more I felt so unfair because what I did was all standard form which been instructed by them. The more I tried to calmed down the more I felt so unfair and at the end I return to the boss and told him that the way I did was a standard form which had been adopted by them. But he kept resist to go with his way.

Oh gosh, what kind of boss is he? Then I asked other workmates regarding the matter and none did as the way how he demand on me and so this proven that … *sigh*

After the matter, I spoke to the relevant person who taught me to adopt the standard method. She confirmed to me that what I did was right and accordance to the standard form. So at that moment I am sure I didnt make any mistake. That’s why I was rebelious on that jerk boss regarding the blind blames. At the end he still insist to be the perfect right person regardless that he is wrong.

Later, I was called for 2nd dictation again and this time I felt that he is revenging me just because I ‘hit the spot of his mistake!’ He kept finding fault against me and frankly speaking he kept picking on every little mistake I did. For crying out loud, even when I am making him a draft sample, he started to blame me on how terrible I was and most pissed off was that he brought forward his lame busybody attitudes. Previously, when I got disagreement with him, he admitted that he is satisfy with my works and he had no complaint at all. But then today, he said that I was not motivative in working, worthless, not qualify to study abroad, looking weak, not enough sleep etc.

What the heck is he talking about? All regarding my life is none of his business so why is he so busybody to bother about me? I am really angry and nearly give him a 2nd fight! Just because he is my superior doesnt mean that he can simply do as he wants to!!!

What makes my blood triple boiled was that he said I need a break cause of all the hard work and so I agreed therefore I told him that I will ask for ‘annual leave’ at the end of this year since everyone is having their holidays and based on the record there is no urgent nor important things to do BUT then guess what~ He twisted his words and said to me that he cant give me ‘annual leave’. Despite all the efforts I considered and done, his conduct was merely a sweet talk.

His attitude really make me thought of resigning. This is the 1st time  which I felt of resigning of my workplace and started to felt no interest in working.

Thus, not only today which he had find fault with me. Even when I started to work, I felt how unsuitable for him to be my boss but then I thought of giving him a chance and also giving myself a chance to work out but til today I am getting tired of being patience towards his unreasonable attitude.

If you are me, what will you do? Is it worth to work with this kind of professional person? Is this what society called them professional?

Is this kind of bosses are so-called professional then why do they taught me that if there is anything to tell them just …"shout to them in the office! Dont have to wait till they are free! " OMG~ This is the 1st time I sees professional peoples doing things unprofessionally!!!

Why? Because they have phones to intercom the staffs but yet they said such thing.

How far is my patience day after day?

"Another day without your smile… another day just passes by.. now I know how much it means.. for you to stay right here with me.." this is part of the song I am listening now.

What a day… today!

It was a fun and nice day when I started my day today. But the sweet moments I cherished today were all ruined by dad. Everything is going well and just nice despite those minor problems and tiredness till dad put up some selfish and unreasonable attitudes.

A small little matter turned big when he start to make the atmosphere turn grey. For example, yesterday parents and I went for shopping to get a drink contained in a container. (As everyone should know people do make mistake without realising them) So, when dad got back home and make himself a cup of hot drink, he saw the container was mis-shape then he started to blame mum for been blind just because mum didnt realised about the mis-shape of the container when she bought it. (I was very angry when dad address mum as been blind) Then this morning dad start the blaming all over again. I was pissed off because its just a small matter and he started blame on mum like a kid. Because of that I told him not to make it such a big chaos and he wasnt satisfy so we got into a fight.

I was wondering why he blamed people since he can just ask anyone to change the container to a new one which is available at home instead of blaming people repeatedly, am I right?!

Then the 2nd fight happened just now when he started to talk on harsh matters while all of us were having dinner for my special day. I told him to consider about this special day and just forget about harsh matters and be happy for the sake of today. But then he ignored about what I said and after a few seconds, he start the conversation again. I really cant stand of his childish & bossy attitudes.

*sigh* Why must it be so hard to maintain a peaceful atmosphere.. even if just for today? I kept telling myself to be patience and prayed to God so that ‘he’ can bless me with more patience.

Within a few minutes to come, it will be my special day just for me. I wonder how many people or friends or even family members knew or realised that tomorrow is my special day?

Even if its my special day I never celebrate it because I was taught that everyday is the same. Odd but thats how my family’s thought were about. Selfish dont you think? Or maybe kinda more like … *sigh*

Cut it short, I am kinda pissed off by my ‘bossy & bad mouth bosses’ in my workplace today. Thank god I manage to keep calm til the office hours ends. Then I went off to treat myself a cake for tomorrow.

What surprised me earlier on was that I got a call from someone I didnt expect to get however, I was busy that time so I missed the call. Then I received a sms written to me as wishing me birthday greeting. I was like wow..aww so sweet of her but then somehow I felt like somehing not right. Hahaha… ^_^”’

Right now, when I am happily chatting with my lovely friend, he told me that he still remember my birthday and he asked whether do I felt touched… and so I reply that I really appreciate his warm greeting. Thank you for these two lovely person who stil remember my special day and wished me as well. *hugs* They are the 1st and 2nd person who wish me for my special day!

That’s all for now…

This would be my 1st post in these blog. Never thought that I would start writing in, right after I created it.

Indeed lots of things happened right after I put my 1st step on this land. Neither it is good matters nor is it a memorable things to remember.

But, like old folks said, human being is the hardest creature to survive because human being is the ‘complicated sapien’. I agreed with these phrase after quite lot of experiences in my life back then… even now.

So, hope I would be able to maintain my positive way of thinking forever. People indeed always think negatively whenever they faced a typical problems/troubles and by kept trying to be supportive to them really gives great pressure to me ^_^”

Anyway, I hope to be able to face everyday of my life with cheerful expressions and happy smiles that could make others feel peaceful and ease.

xxxx